Does my ass look fat in these compression pants?
The end of the world is coming
and I am NOT that guy in spandex bike shorts.
It’s compression gear.
Oh God, I hope I’m not that guy
in bike shorts who I used to laugh at—
The one with the short-brimmed
Italian cycle cap.
More breaking wind than breaking away.
And my pfd does look like a fanny pack.
I’m that guy.
I’m that guy in stretchy pants.
Looks like 80 gallons of vegetable soup in a 40 gallon bag.
But isn’t it the same as wearing a wetsuit?
A bunch of guys standing around
in skin-tight rubber outfits,
without the zipper masks.
That’s totally appropriate.
Keeps you warm in cold water.
How can something functional be ugly?
Continue to aspire to be
the Karen Wrenns, and Jenny Kalmbachs.
Or one of Apollo’s sons,
the Larry Cains, the escapees from the 300.
I know why I wear them.
They improve circulation,
speed up warm ups,
and improved oxygen circulation.
They encourage blood flow to the muscles
and flush by-products away.
They reduce fatigue and muscle damage,
provide preventative support
and aid recovery.
They are antibacterial,
so you don’t get that
fresh-from-the-cheese-shop waft of funk.
It’s hard to tell. You’re always behind me in races.
I think I’m ok with it though.
If I get full buy-in:
vest under a short sleeve shirt,
under a long sleeve compression shirt.
I’ll be so compressed,
I’ll crap diamonds.